Għall-erwieħ!

Minn meta kont għadni tifel kelli influwenza kbira Taljana fuqi. Kbirt, bħal ħafna tfal tampari minn-naħa t'isfel ta' Malta, mhux f'ħafna lussu. Peress li cable ma konniex nifilħu nħallsu għalih, kont nara ħafna televiżjoni taljana li konna naqbdu dak iż-żmien bl-aerial minn Sqallija. U bejn Rai Uno u Rai Due, u l-istazzjonijiet tal-Mediaset, fl-imkien mal-La 7 u Antenna Sicilia, jiena qattajt tfuliti nara films, aħbarijiet u programmi bit-taljan. Tant li meta kont għadni ta' eta zgħira ħafna, kont diġa kapaċi nitkellem bit-taljan xi ftit jew wisq.

Meta qbadt nikber, u kont għamilt ħbieb minn barra r-raħal, kont indunajt li mhux kulhadd kien bħali, kapaċi ħafna iktar bit-Taljan u il-Malti milli bil-Malti u Ingliż. Kont qbadt niltaqgħa ma' żgħażagħ ohrajn, li llum huma ħbieb mil-akbar tiegħi, li t-Taljan ma kienux jafuh. Dan bejn għax trabbew fin-naħa ta' fuq ta' pajjiżna, fejn minn dejjem konna nafuhom b'tal-pepe u li jippreferu jitkellmu bl-Ingliż ħalli iħossuhom mil-ohrajn, u bejn għax kienu kibru jaraw televiżjoni differenti minn dik li kont imdorri nara jien, u sħabi tan-naħa tisfel.

L-istorja ta' pajjiżi dejjem affaxxinatni ħafna, u minn dejjem kont ninteressa ruħi fuq x'kien ġara fi kwalunkwe post storiku kont insib ruħi fih. Eventwalment, kont smajt bil-kwistjoni politika li kienet inqalghet f'Malta fit-tieni nofs tas-seklu dsatax, u kompliet kibret fil-bidu tas-seklu għoxrin. Dien kienet, ovvjament, il-kwistjoni tal-lingwi uffi1jali ta' pajjiżna. Il-Maltin ta' dak iż-żmien, kif ukoll il-mexxejja tagħhom, kienu riedu li jibqgħa jiġi imgħallem u użat it-Taljan bħala l-lingwa uffiċjali ta' pajjiżna. Iżda billi konna kolonja Ingliża, u dawn riedu jużgħaw lil Malta bħala mezz ta' propoaganda biex iżidu l-influwenza Ingliża fil-Mediterran, ovvjament dawn riedu illi l-Ingliż jieħu post it-Taljan bħala lingwa ufficjali ta' pajjiżna.

Milux, bejn għax inżilt waħda sa Malta għal-festa tar-raħal, u bejn għax issa ilni tliet snin nieqes minn pajjiżna, qbadt inħoss ċertu sens ta' patrijottiżmu dejjem jikber bil-mod il-mod għal-pajjiżna. Erġajt qbadt napprezza il-kultura tagħna iktar minn qatt qabel, u sirt nibqa affaxxinat kemm kemm nimxi fit-toroq ta' Malta, napprezza l-ġahwar arkitetturali li ħallewlna missirijietna. Ma għenx il-fatt li qrajt il-ktieb Rokit, ta' Lorrane Vella, li alkemm huwa eċċellenti u għoġobni ħafna, jiddeskrivi xeni ta' Malta f'futur ipotetiku (li nittama qatt ma jasal fuqna), li qatt ma nixtieq li nara lil pajjiżi tant għaziz fih. U minn hemm, iddeċidejt li ridt insir naf iktar fuq pajjiżna kif kien qabel, u qbadt naqra is-serje ta' Herbert Ganado, Rajt Malta Tinbidel.

Fl-ewwel volum ta' Rajt Malta Tinbidel, Ganado jiddiskuti u janalizza is-sitwazzjoni politika ta' pajjiżna fil-bidu tas-seklu għoxrin, u alluwra, bla dubju, ma setgħax iħalli barra din il-kwistjoni poltiika tal-lingwa uffiċjali ta' Malta, jekk hux it-Taljan jew l-Ingliż.

Ganado jiddeskrivi b'mod tajjeb ħafna x'kien qiegħed jiġri f'dak iż-żmien, u wara deskrizzjoni approfondita ta' fiex kienet is-sitwazzjoni, jintefgħa ukoll jiddeskrivi kif kienet qegħedha tiżvolġi fl-iskejjel ta' Malta ta' dak iż-żmien. Jelabora fuq kif kienu ġew Malta żewġ fergħat ta' qassisin Ġiżwiti,  fergħa mil-Ingilterra, u oħra minn Sqallija. Jispjega kif dawn it-tnejn fetħu skejjel f'Malta, u kienu iżommu ma' naħat differenti ta' din il-kwistjoni politika.

Jien, kif forsi tafu, attendejt San Alwiġi f'Birkirkara, li hija skola tal-Ġiżwiti, allura, jien u naqra id-deskrizzjoni tiegħu, ma tistgħux timmaġinaw il-biża' li qabadni ġewwa fija li San Alwiġi, skola li tant tfisser esperjenzi u tifkiriet sbieħ għalija, setgħat kienet imwaqqfa mil-fergħa ta' qassisin Ingliżi li kienu ġew Malta f'dak iż-żmien, u li kienu jiffavorixxu l-Ingliż fuq it-Taljan.

U issa nikkwotalkom lil Ganado nnifsu, "Il-ġlieda politika tal-lingwa kienet bdiet tinħass. L_Arċisqof Mawru Caruana kien ġie edukat g'fak il-kulleġġ fejn kien edukat ukoll ħu missieri, il-Maġġur Alfred Ganado, li għalekk kien ħabib ta' l-Arċisqof Caruana. Kienet l-ewwel ġenerazzjoni Maltija ta' subien li giet influwenzata b'edukazzjoni Ingliża f'Malta. Ftit wara fetaħ il-kulleġġ Sacred Heart, ukoll f'San Giljan, li kellu influwenza enormi fuq l-edukazzjoni Ingliża ta' Malta.Imma fl-1907 il-Giżwiti Ingliżi telqu. U warajhom, il-Ġiżwiti Sqallin fetħu l-kulleġġ ta' Birkirkara."

*Nifs fond.*

*Nifs fond ieħor.*

Għall-erwieħ!

Diametric Opposites

Quickly I made it off the train and to my hostel just behind Hackerbrücke. I desperately needed to dump my luggage and take a shower, as the 32°C heat was absolutely killing me. Yet, no time to spare, as my friends were already waiting at the historic Hofbräuhaus up in the city centre.

For hundreds of years, it was the home city to dukes and duchesses, and kings and queens of Bavaria. Now, it is one of the major technological capitals in the world. With a massively diverse population and beer halls at every corner, Munich is arguably one of the greatest cities on the planet. And it was in Munich's Hofbräuhaus am Platzl, in February 1920, that Adolf Hitler held the first meeting of the NSDAP, the party who in turn will become the German Nazi party and plunge the world into the second world war. 

Fifteen minutes later, and back I was, on the first train I could find that would take me right up to Marienplatz. This was my second trip to the city of Munich, and I had made it a point to get myself a seat and a beer in the historic Hofbräuhaus, especially after the long queue had impeded me from doing so back in February. I read up on my history beforehand, and whilst approaching the building, I couldn't help but imagine how it must have been like all the way back in the '20s - a beer hall originally built for the kings of Munich in the late 16th century, which was then opened to the public in 1828. It was the meeting place of the, back then, NSDAP. It also was the local pub for the first Soviet leader Lenin; and also for Mozart (who lived around the corner from it) around a hundred and fifty years before him.

But the universe is the master of irony, in a good way. Following the mini-scavenger hunt I had to play to find my friends amongst the thousands of people who sit in there everyday, I found them in the central courtyard. As they saying says, when you're in Rome, do as the Romans do, and when you're in Munich, get a maß, and start drinking. And sitting next to me there was this elderly German who was simply enjoying some beer and the biggest pork knuckle I've ever seen.

Conversation quickly ensued, and after the usual niceties of "Where are you from?" and "Is Malta a country? Really?", I couldn't resist by tackling the bull by the horns. And amongst the awkward looks from all over the place, there came my statement of "Ah, so this is the place where Hitler started preaching his ideology right?". And that is when what I was not expecting happened. We talked, for hours, over a few more litres of beer too. 

From Brexit, to the moron in the Oval Office, and the rise in nationalism. The illusion, believed by so many people, the common statements that you hear by the older generations, "You know, it was better when we were worse off" and the subsequent thought that goes with it, "Who's fault is it?". Why do people always have to blame others, typically immigrants, for their own fuck ups in the first place?

Then about Orbán, and Erdoğan, and their systematic breaking down of the democratic institutions in their own countries, and their ever increasing grip on power. I guess it is part of human nature, after all, as John Steinbeck said, "Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts... perhaps the fear of a loss of power." And why do people keep voting for such autocratic leaders? Do they really not know any better?

We kept discussing all sorts of historical issues, and current affairs. And fascinatingly, the parallels to what had happened in Germany back in the '20s and '30s are never ending. The blaming of the immigrants and Jews during the post-first-world-war-recession, the coup attempts of the 20s in the Weimar Republic, Hitler's ascension to power, and subsequent dissolution of democratic institutions. We've already been through all of this, how can we not learn from our mistakes?

But, what gave us, all of us who were sitting there at that table, the courage to look forward and to know that we will not see those things happen ever again, was the fact that we were there ... two Greeks, two Germans, a Romanian, an American and a Maltese ... all drinking a maß of the best Hofbräu helles together. In the very same place that once was the meeting place for all of those who called for world dominance by an Aryan race, and who eventually committed horrible crimes against humanity itself ... we, irrespective of our nationalities, differences, opinions and ideologies, were there enjoying ourselves and our beer, together. Standing up, for what one might argue that is the diametrically opposite ideology, from that of nearly a hundred years earlier ...

The Dialogue

I no longer know what I should do, my friend. What is the point of life? What should I do next?

I think it is about time that I start thinking of settling down, you know? Maybe marry. Maybe have kids. Procreate.

So many people emphasise the need of offspring in their life. But, what is the point of having an offspring? What do you want to pass on to it? Your values? Your thoughts and knowledge? Your ambitions? Your genome?

             

I’d say that all of those are by products, aren’t they? They will have their own values, thoughts, knowledge, ambitions and so on. Hopefully, theirs would align to mine, and also be much stronger than mine.

So where does all of this end? Does this train of have a destination? Or will your offspring hope the same things for their offspring, and so will cycle propagate forward?

There is no destination to this train of thought. Think of it as an infinite journey.

Or is there though? I would like to think that there is a destination, and that this destination is death. After all, it is the inevitable truth that will catch up with all of us.

Maybe I got to a stage in my life where I have to face my mortality, whether I like that or not.

Sure. But after your death, people keep on living. Surely the world does not end with your death. Look further into the future following your death, hence the infinite journey.

Fallacy! Cogito ergo sum. That is the proposition of the famous, René Descartes. I think therefore I am. Whatever and whoever is around me, is only true because I can perceive it.

For all I know, the truth is that I am a mad man staring at a wall shouting “I will die” whilst thinking that I am having this conversation. We could both be plugged to the matrix as we speak, thinking we live these crazy lives that we do, but in reality, stuck in a small box with big ass machines “feeding” off the energy produced by your body.

Death, will essentially result in my brain to stop thinking. Therefore, in the same way as I think therefore I am I’d say we can imply that Since I do not think, I am not. And everything else around me is no more, because I can no longer perceive it.

Offspring, progenesis, whatever it is or whatever one wants to call it, realistically it is just a simple illusion. The illusion! The one that hides away the ugly, simple truth that someday, you, me , and all of us, will suddenly cease to be.

Well, one can look at it that way, sure. Then again, it all relies on what one want to do with oneself. We are all bared to die some point or another. You can either stay put and wait for your time to come. Or else, you can do stuff! Anything, really.

And maybe, just maybe, the next generation, including your offspring, might acquire something out of that one might choose to contribute, be it knowledge, thoughts, values, ambitions and the rest.

I have to admit, your argument is extremely compelling. However, there is a flaw to it.

Which is?

Look at me for a second. Let us assume that I do something productive with my life, with the hope to pass it on to the next generation, to my offspring. What if the next generation, including my offspring, are morons? What if they take what will have been given to them, and they throw it away? What if they do not appreciate it? Would it not have been better to spend my life chilling out, with a beer in one hand, and a cigar in the other?

I think this is the bigger question, is it worth it? Is it worth it to produce knowledge and offspring, and then to pass said knowledge, thoughts, ambitions, even genome, to said offspring and the next generation?

To be fair, I am betting that your offspring, not just yours, but even mine, will not be morons. I am willing to bet that they will not throw knowledge away like that.

Isn’t that assumption a bit egotistical though? How can one possibly know? There is a solid possibility that they will be intelligent. But there is also the possibility that they will be utter morons. Or, it might be the case that I will be bad father. Maybe, who knows after all, Trump and Putin will blow up the world by then.

Thinking about it, the issue is not dealing with my own mortality, but with my own humanity. Dealing with the limitations that come along with humanity.

The truth is, I am not happy with the limitations of being human. I want to be god!

And I want to be a kettle, hah!

I could use you to make some tea then, haha!

That is the thing though, I want to be in a position where I have enough knowledge, to make the best decision. But to do that, I need all the information, even that information which I cannot yet obtain, because my limitations as a human being stop me from doing so.

Don’t we all want that? After all, life is a matter of compromise.

And so, I would say that all of this brings us back to square one. I do not have all the information. So if I lack the information and knowledge required to make the best decision, how can I decide on what to do, and if it is worth doing?

 Wasn’t it Winston Churchill who said “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” I guess what he wanted to say is, life is not always plain sailing.

And there it is! My next big fault. My ego might be slightly (and using the words might and slightly over here is an under-assessment of the case) too big to accept failure.

These are the universal questions my good friend. They have no answer, and that is why one never stops to wonder. Maybe the computer was right after all. The answer might be forty-two for all we know. These questions thrill us, mentally, but as you concluded by yourself earlier, they are impossible to resolve, because of the limitations that come along with our existence.

And the cycle repeats, and repeats, and repeats ….

Or, maybe after some point, it doesn’t anymore …

Għafsa ta' Qalb

"Rental market will stabilise once supply catches up with demand" - Silvio Schembri

Ibni Ġaħan, ibni. Għax fl-aħħar mill-aħħar, kif qal Marjanu Vella,

"Sar il-miraklu tal-konkrit. ...

Kaxxa ħdejn kaxxa, saret kaxxa kbira
irqiqa w twila mnażżgħa mill-frugħat
ta' xogħ'l maħdum bl-iskarpellin waqt ħolma
ta' frott u ward u anġli żgħar jittajjru."

U jien hawn, nara pajjiżi jinħexa f'sormu mil-bogħod. U lanqas li kieku qiegħed fih, ma nkun nista' nagħmel xejn biex insalvah ...

The Second Rise of Fascism?

Disclaimer: I am no historian, I am no sociologist and no expert in politics. I am just an outspoken engineer who is fed up of this shit. For anyone who might feel offended, vulgar language is used in this article.

--- o --- o --- o ---

"Go home, you immigrant." 

"Get off the tram, we voted leave." 

"Send them home." 

"Get off the bus and get packing."

"How come you're so cheerful? You're going home."

These are just a few of the harsh words that some people in Britain have been having to face since last the Brexit vote results were announced last Friday. Yes. It is 2016, and still there is a solid number of cunts out there, in what is supposed to be the civilised western world, who decide to disrespect fellow humans trying to go on with their life in peace and quiet. Yes, this is England, and after living here for almost two years, I would have never imagined that rampant xenophobia, racism and nationalistic egoism still existed in our society.

"I think that politics needs a bit of spicing up."

"I think frankly when it comes to chaos you ain't seen nothing yet."

These are the words of Nigel Farage, the man who for seventeen years worked hard, so fucking hard, to destroy the institution that was founded to ensure that no other war would tear the European continent apart, as the second world war had done a few years earlier. We're talking about an institution that won the Nobel peace prize in 2012 for fuck's sake. I am not saying that it is perfect. I am not saying that reforms are not needed, but why would one want to destroy an institution that was founded with the sole purpose was peace? 

But okay, lets say he has a fetish for chaos. Who am I to judge? Or it may be that he genuinely believes that it is the wrong institution for the job. Fair enough, lets give him the benefit of the doubt. So he started off seventeen years ago with the dream to break apart the European Union, or at least, get the United Kingdom out of it. But he instantly realised that by making arguments about how the economy would be so much better without it, he would not get anywhere, even though he refuses to admit that his arguments regarding the economy were absolute nonsense, as in fact was proven by markets in the first few days after the Brexit vote. So, the instigation of fear started. The word "immigration" over the years quickly became a buzz word used all over the fucking place by politicians, and the effort that had been made to remove the idea of barriers, of "us and them", the ideas that some of us are better than others, or that we have a certain claim to a country just because we were lucky enough to be born there instead of elsewhere, was all flush down the toilet. Doubts were planted, referenda were promised for some idiots to win an election, lies were spread to the general public, experts were ignored ... and a referendum, four days and three-fucking-trillion-pounds-wiped-off-the-markets later Britain finds itself in a political shit storm, no leader, with several jackasses running around harassing foreigners and with no fucking clue about what to do next.

But this is not the case where this has been occurring. The civil war in Syria has caused millions of people to flee their own country. With Europe as a prosperous neighbour, they quickly tried to make their way over, with the hopes of starting a new life for themselves. And repeat. Several egoistic idiots from all over Europe starting spouting the same bullshit that Nigel Farage had been spouting for a solid number of years already. With Salvini in Italy, Le Pen in France, Wilders in the Netherlands and Petry in Germany amongst others, Nigel Farage's words were echoed to the rest of the masses in Europe, and slowly and steadily, they have been gaining momentum.

The aftermath of the 2008 financial crisis definitely did not help with the situation. As austerity measures were imposed by the political class, the people who didn't really understand what the fuck was going on had no other choice but to start rebelling against them in their own simple ways. 

What is easiest to do when one is faced with a problem? 

1. Admit fault, and try to fix the problem.

2. Blame someone else and let them be the scapegoat.

And who would have guessed it! Apparently it is the second option, and with a mix of anti-political sentiment together with frustration being blamed on foreigners - because lets be honest, these politicians are obviously too proud to admit any fault in the matter - that made the words of the far-right parties echo around Europe. But let me pause my rant about far-right ideologies taking over Europe for a second.

"We're gonna build a wall."

 "Make America great again!"

If you do not recognise those slogans, I am sorry to bear the news for you, but you are a moron. On the other side of the pond, we have the climate-change denying Donald Trump, another dumb ass who is making use of foreigners as scapegoats for the country's problems. But once again, the symptoms are the same. George W. Bush managed to lead the US into two very expensive wars, which together with the 2008 financial crises, put the country into serious economic problems. The people once again, angry at the austerity measures imposed on them, and the lack of jobs and so on, wanted to blame someone, and instead of blaming who is really at fault ... Asswipe Trump comes along blaming the Mexicans - calling them all sorts of insults and proposing to build a fucking wall along the border with Mexico - Muslims - essentially calling every Muslim out there a terrorist, and a bunch of other innocent groups of people, to prey on the nationalistic sense of the idiot rednecks in his own country to make it to power.

So, please tell me, is it just me who is noticing certain similarities with the past here? In the 1930s, the world had just emerged from a serious economic crises with the name "the Great Depression". Nationalistic movements were gaining popularity in Germany and Italy, in the same manner that Wanker Farage, Asswipe Trump, Cunt Le Pen and the others are gaining popularity right now. And for those who do not know what happened back in the 1930's after all of this ... bibbidy bobbidy fucking boo ... behold the rise of fascism, ladies and gentlemen.

And by the way, if you think that this blaming of innocent populations as a scapegoat is happening for the first time, I hope that you do remember some people called the Jews and the Holocaust.

Well, you all know what the proverb says, "History repeats itself". And I genuinely believe that thanks to the European Union, which provided 70 years of peace in the continental Europe, people forgot - actually those who forgot are fucking morons but then again, common sense is not so common in this world - what the atrocities of xenophobia, racism and fascism have led to, and that it is only out of ignorance that they are falling into the same pitfalls that our great-grandparents and grandparents fell into before us.

I am not sure what to say at this stage. I hope I am wrong. I really do. 

Please, for fuck's sake, do not let history repeat itself.

--- o --- o --- o ---

P.S. : Nigel Farage schooldays letter reveals concerns over fascism

What If?

Since I was a young kid, alternate histories always fascinated me. The idea that the whole story could have been written in a completely different way than it was, just because someone made a different choice, be it small or large, many years ago simply captivates my mind. To this very day I find myself gravitating towards books that tell of a story set in an alternate reality, caused by a simple change in decisions.

One of the biggest alternate realities explored by several authors was the Axis triumph during the second world war. Amongst others, Robert Harris and Philip K. Dick explore this concept in their books, Man in the High Castle and Fatherland respectively. In the former, Dick explores the ideas of a North American east coast being the Greater Nazi Reich and the west coast as the Japanese Pacific States of America, with the two being split by a buffer zone. In his book, the military loss in the second world war stemmed from the fact that future president Franklin D. Roosevelt was assassinated in 1933, which in turn caused the United States to become more isolated from the rest of the world and never developing into the military power that eventually, in our reality, together with the rest of the allied forces, led to victory in the second world war.

Similarly, in their collection of stories titled Back to the USSA, Eugene Byrne and Kim Newman explore another alternate reality where a communist United Socialist States of America was established following a second american civil war in the early twentieth century. But its not just a few authors that wonder at what could have been. Amazon's television series adaptation of Man in the High Castle was given very good reviews, with a 95% on Rotten Tomatoes. And the fact that it was determined to be the most streamed original series of the year by Variety Magazine, clearly shows that a lot of people find the idea of living in alternate world very very intriguing. Even the brilliant mind of Sheldon Cooper couldn't resist postulating these hypotheses, as it was shown when he was playing the made-up game of Counter Factuals with Amy in the Big Bang Theory's season four episode, The Zazzy Substitution.

So when the other day I was randomly scrolling through my Facebook news feed and came upon the the following post by my friend Stefan,

"Malta could have been annexed by Russia after the French capitulation in 1800, under the pretence of the Czar reconstituting sovereignty to the Order of St. John (of whom he was now the Grand Master). 

If those Russian soldiers had indeed landed in 1799, how different would Maltese society be right now?"

I couldn't help but drifting away in my own little head thinking about what could have been. Some of the replies were quite entertaining actually, ranging from how we'd have vodka, instead of wine, in the cellars and bears, instead of dogs, tied up in the yards. But all of this also got me thinking of several other occasions in my tiny country's long long history, where things could have diverted from what now is history, to scenarios that I guess we cannot even imagine.

With the second world war being such a significant chapter of our history, one can think of several scenarios where the result could have been the complete opposite of what actually happened. I'm sure that most Maltese like me would instantly think of the convoy of ships that somehow made it to Malta on the 15th of August, 1942. Without those greatly needed supplies, the island would have surely surrendered to the Axis powers, which in turn would have led to them having an uninterrupted corridor all the way from Germany down to Libya, which would made it next to impossible for the Allies to win in the North African theatre of the war.

But even a few years before that, The Italian dictator Benito Mussolini was hell bent on establishing an Italian Empire, one which definitely included Malta as part of its territories, as shown on the Italia Irrendita map drawn in the 1930s on the left. In fact, Mussolini claimed that the Maltese language was a dialect of Italian and also theorised about Malta being the cradle of the Latin civilization. This nearly became a reality when Italian forces made it to Africa, conquering Libya and as far down as Abyssinia (modern day Ethiopia).

And, what if the French hadn't surrendered in Malta after the uprising in 1799? I have to admit that there is no way where I can see myself speaking French and eating frog legs instead of speaking Maltese and devouring tons of pastizzi.

Much closer to modern times, we also could have become part of the United Kingdom, if Dom Mintoff's negotiations for integration had been successful back in 1958. A referendum had already been held two years prior to that, and it had passed with 77.02% of the voters being in favour of integration. Maybe that wouldn't have been so bad, or maybe it would have, who knows?

Realistically, if I were to keep mentioning historical events which could have had a different outcome than they actually did, this blog post would drag on to eternity. But, I guess, its nice to think about what could have been every now and then. Maybe in another universe, these events actually happened in a different way than in ours.

-----------

P.S. It has been a while since I posted any music, so here we go, the latest track that got stuck in my head, Clockwork's remix of Abby's This Song Remains Through All. 

I am tired

I am tired. 

I am tired of waking up every morning to the same routine. 

I am tired of having to do it every day. To get out of my bed; to have a shower; to make my way to the office, even though I'd still be half asleep; to make myself a mug of "coffee", because lets face it, one cannot call that instant stuff real coffee, and maybe I somehow wake up ...

I am tired of going through the different papers; BBC News, CNN, The Times, The Guardian, The Telegraph, Reuters, the Times of Malta, The Malta Independent, the Malta Today, and maybe a few others.

I am tired of the fact that every day, the headlines have to be dominated by yet some other form of bad news.

I am tired of reading about Charlie Hebdo and Beirut, Jakarta and Ankara, Paris and Brussels; a number of bodies piling on top of each other, a number that just keeps increasing ...

I am tired of the violence in Syria and Libya, in Iraq and Yemen, in the Ivory Coast and all over central Africa ...

I am tired of Cruz and Trump, and also of Clinton and Sanders, and the whole ridiculous circus that the US presidential race has come down to ...

I am tired of budget cuts and NHS reforms, to Brexit or to not, Corbyn and Cameron; the joke that is becoming UK politics ...

I am tired of Panamanian flags and blogging crazy old hags, old tal-Lira clocks and cocaine blocks, illegal developments and overseas bank statements. I am tired to hear the promise of clean politics and good governance, and yet, term after term, this seems to be ignored. L-aqwa fl-Ewropa they said ...

I am tired of UKIP and Lega Nord, Front National and the NDP, Viktor Orban and also Erdogan ...

I am tired of all the sexists and racists, creationists and extremists, politicians and journalists, populists and neo-fascists, climate change deniers and gun lovers ... 

Maybe it was because I grew up in the peaceful couple of decades that followed the cold war and now things are going south again; or maybe because I was too ignorant to all of it, up till this moment. 

I can look at my past and remember a time when us children played outside without our parents worrying; when we could eat anything and allergies and intolerances weren't a thing; when war was always so far away from our shores and we needn't to worry; when one's biggest worry was if it was going to be pasta or pizza for dinner in the evening; when financial planning for me meant if my pocket money was enough for an extra piece of chocolate or not.

I also look at my present and wonder if I might be next, at some airport terminal, or a station or maybe on the tube, that gets blown up to bits because of some crazy extremist with a skewed point of view of our world. Or if its someone I know, someone who I wouldn't have had the time to say good bye to.

And then I try to imagine my future, but I cannot. I don't want to. I am scared to.

I am too tired, and I cannot do this any more.

I am tired.

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My thoughts go to the victims, and their families, of the recent terrorist attacks in Brussels, Istanbul, San Bernardino, Paris and all over the rest of the world.