Insecurities

It has been an amazingly hectic week, and only now I got some time to sit down and write something. Actually its been since this morning that I've been looking at the blank screen on my laptop for more than a couple of hours, trying to think of something to write about, and I seriously could not get any ideas, until a little earlier. It just occurred to me that it is nice to waste time and do nothing, occasionally. Probably you are thinking that I am just a teeny weeny crazy for saying so, since a few weeks ago I was iterating and re-iterating in my previous blog posts, that one should not waste time ...  and seize the day .. and so on and so forth ... bla bla blah ...

However, after having an extremely long week, jam packed with lectures, assignments, lab sessions, thesis work and a billion other academic activities and tasks to do, I felt like my brain needed a break from everything and just enjoy the simplicity of doing nothing and having an actual break. Even the usual television series that I usually follow, felt like too much to handle and I just wanted to lie down on my bed and do nothing. But how did we end up having such a hectic life style?

Usually after the kind of question I just asked in the paragraph above, I'd write something meaningful, such as historical origins; where, who and why came up with a particular notion. Today, I honestly do not have any answers. I tried looking up such stuff, but I failed miserably. I have to admit I have spent the entire day trying to come up with something that makes sense, and after that I ate lunch, took a nap, went to Ryan's Pub for some quality time with my friends, look at them on the photo on the right; and came back ... and I think I'm on to something.

I honestly am not sure if its only me or everyone else, but I have to admit that the reason why I jam-pack my schedule with more tasks to do than it is humanly possible to perform, is  because I am scared of being alone and doing nothing. But what do I mean by scared and alone? Its not that I am terrified of the dark, or anything on those lines; its just that the idea of being in a quiet place by myself, and thus being able to listen to my inside voice (which some people call conscience) scares me. And this only means one thing, that I did, or am doing, something wrong, that deep down I know that I shouldn't have done. What this thing is, its actually irrelevant, all I know is that its there and that I should deal with it, deal with myself.

On my way back here from Ryan's Pub tonight, I was alone in my car and for once I didn't put on any music, which gave me some time to think about what is really going on in my life. And I realised what its actually so terrifying. Its not the silence, it not something I did in the past, be it a long time ago or recently, its just that I do not have any guarantee about what's going to happen in the future. Up till now, whether I admit or not, my life was quite planned out ... primary school, followed by secondary school, followed by sixth form, followed by university ... but now, now that I am in my final year at university, what's next?

I'd like to say that I know what's about to happen next ... but the truth is that I do not have a fuckin' clue. Maybe a Master's degree, maybe not ... maybe abroad, or maybe here in Malta ... who knows? And I have to admit, I'd rather "die" of doing a lot of things, that not know what's going to happen next, but then again, we aren't supernatural beings to know what's going to happen in the future, and just have to accept that fact, whether we like it or not. I've been honest today, about what's really scaring me right now in my life ... and what about you? Is the future scaring you .... ?